The Comfort of Small Defeats

Every post is probably going to skirt the more serious issues that very few people know about. This...

Sat, 25 May 2013 05:12:07 +0100

Every post is probably going to skirt the more serious issues that very few people know about. This is going to be my last one because I have work later and need to sleep my day away.

I really really want to move out. Live in an apartment witha few people I care about or alone. I need to get away from my home pressures and have time to think and do stuff. Right now I often have people sitting right behind me while I’m attempting to productivity and I can’t handle people seeing my shit.

I’m scared I have gender dysphoria and I’m scared of people knowing and shit now its on my tumblr but fuck it. Probably gonna die anyway.

Night tumblr

But anyway, I could say I digress but everything I’m saying seems like a digression. Work is...

Sat, 25 May 2013 05:02:34 +0100

But anyway, I could say I digress but everything I’m saying seems like a digression. Work is really fucking stressful, most people would say I’m being dumb because I barely work any hours but despite only doing 17 hour weeks at the moment I still dread every shift, my heart sinks as the end of the week approachs (work weekends). Probably doesn’t help that I’m also covering Tuesdays. I know people have it 10x worse and if I want to make enough to survive in my own then I’ll also need to get a worse job. I can’t help but feel that if that is the reality of my working life then quitting life is the only option. It’s dramatic I know but I can’t face that lifestyle. I’m trying to earn a living in a way that wont make me want to shoot my face off but too much rests on my motivation to go out and do so.

On the topic of work, customers can really fucking suck, if I’m not being treated as a robot then I’m being insulted and mocked. I won’t deny that there are some wonderful customers with smiles and politeness but they are not the majority. I’m fucking depressed and yet I still do everything I can to be polite to the humans I meet in my day to day life.

Plz don’t mind the vinyl reblog okay, I saw it on my feed as I went to type my next textspam....

Sat, 25 May 2013 04:55:19 +0100

Plz don’t mind the vinyl reblog okay, I saw it on my feed as I went to type my next textspam. It does bring me onto another point. I cling to collecting as a way to reduce a little stress and feel like I’m accomplishing something. The little positive things all help no matter how small.

It’s relatively easy to do because all you need to do is buy stuff. It’s terrible for the wallet though. Since I got into vinyl I’ve been living payday to payday. Before vinyl I was able to save better. Previous shit I collected aka wasted money on include LEGO and Steam games (I’m in like the top 20-40 Steam accounts in the UK for number of games).

I realise these posts don’t really connect or link up and the information is really fucking muddled and pointless but I have a window to let stuff out so I’m throwing everything I can out.

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Sat, 25 May 2013 04:54:45 +0100

So I really hate saying IRL, I don’t know why but it feels so stupid, it reminds me of when I...

Sat, 25 May 2013 04:54:12 +0100

So I really hate saying IRL, I don’t know why but it feels so stupid, it reminds me of when I was like 12 and online shitt. So I haven’t cut in a long time but I haven’t been productive in a long time and I’m a little scared that my productivity is tied into it too much. Like I need to cut to get rid of my mind bullshit in order to proceed. What kind of crap is that. I don’t want to cut but I also do.

But why do you want to harm yourself internet stranger? Well to start with I could not profess to understanding the exact reasons, I know it feels good. In several different ways actually. The act is usually a little more painful than I remember it being but once I get past that and I’m getting some serious bloodflow my mind almost clears. Kind of like having an emergency reject valve for all the bullshit in your head. I find a disturbing amount of comfort in seeing the blood itself, the more the better. This probably links in to finding comfort in the thoughts of death. Which is probably super disturbing to someone who has never felt it.

The idea that I would never ever have to wake up fills me with such a huge sense of relief and safety. Life is like a game that got a little too intense for those of us who suffer depression. Knowing we have an exit strategy is a weird way of comforting ourselves which helps us keep going.

Fuck it

Sat, 25 May 2013 04:43:09 +0100

I’m just going to do a fucking honesty hour where I throw out lots of crap about feeling sad because its fucking 5am and if you see this then you probably don’t know me IRL

I want to be able to write everything out but I never give myself time or space and have nowhere to...

Sat, 25 May 2013 04:42:57 +0100

I want to be able to write everything out but I never give myself time or space and have nowhere to put it and then I get more depressed because I feel even more unproductive whilst days are flying by me and I’m up until 5am every single day just wasting my life I don’t understand how I got here or how to get out but I played a stupid depression game which pretty much paralleled my own thought processes and feelings but I can’t get very far in it because every time I do I break down which is bullshit because I’ve gotten pretty good at not showing those emotions but now I don’t really know what to do so I’m just writing and like fuck punctuation because if I put a stop then I might stop because I’m scared if I stop typing then I won’t be able to type again for months and oh my god this blog isn’t even meant for my emo shit and I need to keep that crap on hidden blogs but fuck it I don’t know dear fucking god stop typing.

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Sat, 25 May 2013 04:31:47 +0100

The Granddaughter: But I do...

Sat, 25 May 2013 04:30:23 +0100

The Granddaughter: But I do...:

following-the-footsteps:

“♫We can keep in touch if that’s what you want,
You can call me too if that’s what friends do.
It’s not more than one, if that’s what you thought.
You’d say I don’t have the time for you,
But I do.
I could stay inside if that’s what you want
I won’t say a word for a day or two.
When I’m in my room I know what to do about you.

I can sleep, (x3)
Soon.

When I get home I am kept from everyone in the house
I’ll walk down the hall where you have gone
To feel the way it felt again.

I am what you need when you can’t find it somewhere else.
I am what you want when you don’t have anything else.♪”

pupfresh: GO LIVE: Now, Now - “Prehistoric”

Sat, 25 May 2013 04:27:52 +0100

pupfresh:

GO LIVE: Now, Now - “Prehistoric”

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Sat, 25 May 2013 04:27:25 +0100

rottenworld: May Day - Slingshot Dakota “we’re waiting for...

Sat, 25 May 2013 04:26:50 +0100

rottenworld:

May Day - Slingshot Dakota

“we’re waiting for ourselves to break. we’re waiting for our next mistake. we’re living our days half alive. can you wait for me? will you wait for me?”

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Sat, 25 May 2013 04:22:01 +0100

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Sat, 25 May 2013 03:23:20 +0100

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Sat, 25 May 2013 03:00:30 +0100

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Sat, 25 May 2013 02:54:48 +0100

sailorpizza: bfleuter: Hiiiiiiiii! omfg

Fri, 24 May 2013 05:08:44 +0100

sailorpizza:

bfleuter:

Hiiiiiiiii!

omfg

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Fri, 24 May 2013 05:07:20 +0100

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Fri, 24 May 2013 05:07:04 +0100

isetoo: Can I?ss

Fri, 24 May 2013 05:06:55 +0100

isetoo:

Can I?
ss